It was fun. Or, at least, it was supposed to be. There was a party the night before. He and I were both drunk and...Well, now it's over. It's morning, now. The morning that I dreaded, but I knew would inevitably come.
I ask myself repeatedly if it was worth it. To have one taste of nirvana at the price of our friendship. Of course I know the answer's no. But...there's a small part of me that disagrees. The part of me that treasures that fleeting moment where I had grasped heaven. But there's another part of me that wishes it didn't happen. That part of me told me it was my weakness that killed the best friendship I've ever had. I'm not so sure, now.
The wonderfully careless feeling I had the night before is now replaced by a huge hangover and worry that's tearing up my heart. I'm worried that I just ruined the greatest friendship I ever had. I had taken advantage of my best friend. The alcohol I drank was enough to break down the wall that held my true feelings for him and I didn't care. I dragged him to his room and didn't give a damn about the consequences.
But I sure gave a damn when I realized the magnitude of what I had done. I was stupid enough to give in to my feelings. And at a horrible price.
I couldn't stop it once it started. When I kissed his soft lips like I always wanted to, I didn't want to stop. He just felt so good...It was even better than I had imagined. I was really with him, like I had hoped I would be someday. It was like a dream, or even better than a dream because it really happened. But like all dreams, they end. And all we have left is reality.
I stare at him, sleeping peacefully on the bed. It almost looks like his body is glowing. He looks so beautiful...so innocent. I feel like I've raped an angel. I took advantage of this otherworldly creature and selfishly claimed him for myself. He was mine, only for that night.
But one night of bliss is not worth more than a friendship.
How will he react when he wakes up? What will happen between us? I can't think of no other answer than the ending of our friendship. He will never want to see or hear from me ever again after this whole ordeal. That made my heart tear in two. I thought it was just a saying, but you can really feel your heart break. I put my hand on my chest, knowing that I will have to live with this pain for the rest of my life. I lost him. I lost the only person who trusted me back when we were children. I knew I would never get him back. He was lost to me forever.
I am jarred from my train of depressing thoughts when I see that he is stirring. I gasp and begin to walk toward the door, not wanting to face him when he woke up. I know I'm a coward, but I can't face him. I don't want to see the hate in his eyes when he remembers what happens. I don't want to hear the disgust in his voice when he tells me we can't be friends anymore. The pain is already too much for me to handle.
I look at him once more and I feel a tear flow down my cheek. I will continue to love him, knowing that he will never love me back. Knowing that he will hate me for the horrible thing that I have done.
I regret having done this to him. For robbing someone so pure and so innocent. He deserves so much more than anything I can give him. I never wanted it to happen this way. But I guess I deserve this. I deserve to live a life in misery without him because I gave into my temptation.
I have no one to blame but myself.
I am sorry, Daisuke.